Hey, everyone. I’ve just returned from a mind-blowing jaunt to the year 2159, and I thought I’d share a few of my observations.

1. America still exists, but only as a conglomerate of wholly owned subsidiaries of WalMart, which has also become the world’s largest defense contractor. (Apparently, the U.S. was forced to break up in 2078 after being sued by Canada in federal court for violation of its own antitrust laws — by monopolizing global superpower status.)
2. There is only one bank for the entire planet, and it’s called The Bank. Ironically, even though The Bank owns all the property, all the assets, and all the debt on the entire planet, the global economy is still in a recession due to a “credit crunch.”
3. The number one restaurant chain in the world has a Mandarin name that two-thirds of the world’s population can’t pronounce without making native speakers of Mandarin laugh their asses off, and its menu is all about vegetables as entrees. However, to make its products sell in the American territories, all the vegetables are rolled in nacho cheese, wrapped in dough, and deep-fried in superbeef tallow. (You don’t even want to know what that is.)
4. Lastly, the number-one bestselling holonovel in the world is, alas, yet another fucking vampire book.