21 Gwirith T.A. 3015

Ug Skullbiter
2nd Rock from the Red Sludge Pool
East Mordor, Middle-earth

Dear Ug Skullbiter,

Congratulations! You have been chosen to serve as expendable fodder in the legions of the Dark Lord. We know you have your choice of cruel despots to serve in Beleriand, and we are proud to know you have chosen to stand with us.

Here at Mordor, Inc., we believe that bloated olyphants and rabid, gibbering cave trolls are our greatest assets, but we understand that rank-and-file orcs have important roles to play in our ongoing mission of world conquest — for example, stopping arrows that might hurt the trolls and olyphants.

It is with that philosophy in mind that we are pleased to offer you the following:

• Position: Fodder
• Division: Third Expendable Infantry
• Salary: Semi-daily bowl of gruel
• Location: Mordor, Gondor, and parts north, west, and east
• Schedule: Whenever something bigger tells you it is
• Your hiring manager: Biggest living orc in your unit, or the nearest Uruk-hai

In exchange for your mindless, unquestioning service, we are thrilled to offer you the following highly competitive benefits package:

• One shield of irregular shape and dubious structural integrity
• One rusty bladed weapon
• A poorly tailored and needlessly heavy suit of armor

Before you report for duty, please be advised that Mordor, Inc. enforces a strict “zero-tolerance” policy. We have no tolerance for anything—not men, not elves, not dwarves, not hobbits, not even each other. If you say anything about anything, one of your comrades will probably not tolerate it and try to kick your teeth out. We encourage you to embrace this policy and do your part to uphold its traditions by being an intolerant, narrow-minded, doltish, violent thug.

We look forward to having you with us as we storm out of Mordor and lay waste to the Hugos with an ill-advised campaign of blatant slate voting. If you have any questions, please blow them out your hairy ass. Death to the social justice warriors!

Sincerely,

Vogs Duh
Uruk-Hai shit-stirrer