At last the real story can be told. I bring you this recently unearthed and translated transcript of the true story behind the mysterious December 21, 2012 “end date” for time on the Mayan Calendar:

KING: Phil! Come in, have a seat.

PHIL: What can I do for you, Majesty?

KING: Well, Phil, I don’t know quite how to tell you this…

PHIL: Just tell me.

KING: All right. We’re going to have to let you go.

PHIL: What?! Why?

KING: It’s nothing personal, Phil. You’ve done good work for us in the calendar division over the last few years, but your services are no longer required.

PHIL: This doesn’t make any sense. If I did good work, why am I being let go?

KING: I don’t think we should get into this right now.

PHIL: With respect, Majesty, I think we should. I’ve worked hard—

KING: Yes, I noticed.

PHIL: Meaning…?

KING: Well, I … we … think you’ve worked a bit too hard.

PHIL: I don’t understand.

KING: Look, Phil, we all know the best thing about government jobs is the security. And I was willing to let you work on commission carving calendars because I knew it was hard work. But let’s be honest: you’ve been milking this job.

PHIL: I have not!

KING: Oh, come on, Phil. You’ve overproduced for the last three years in a row and invoiced us into a budget crisis.

PHIL: I’m just doing my job, Majesty.

KING: Cut the crap, Phil. This is what, the twelfth century? You just turned in a calendar that takes us up to the winter solstice in fucking 2012. You’re nine fucking centuries ahead. I think we have enough calendars for a while.

PHIL: So we just stop production? What happens if no one else ever makes a new calendar? People in the future might think the world ends in 2012!

KING: Phil, I know you’re desperate to keep your job, but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I think you ought to give people a bit more credit than that.

PHIL: With all respect, Majesty, you don’t deal with the people every day. I do. Trust me, they are that stupid.

KING: Uh-huh. We’ll see. Look, this has been fun, but Florence in HR is waiting for you. Go see her for your exit interview. And don’t try to take your hammer and chisel — we’ll be watching you.