Posts Tagged ‘movies’

A Remake I’d Like to See

It is an oft-repeated complaint that Hollywood is out of original ideas. This should come as no surprise, as there have been no new story ideas since we as a species first started writing things down. That said, the people working in Los Angeles have made some really questionable choices in recent years when it came to what classic films to remake. So let me help.

Listen up, Hollywood: You want to know what movie is in desperate need of a remake, and would require little new thinking on your part? Well, I’ll tell you:


It’s been 25 years.  It’s time.

The story is perfectly fine. You could simply pay the writers their fee and use the same script. No need to rewrite, it’s a period piece — you don’t have to update the slang or jokes.

One thing you need to do differently this time is the music. The one common complaint I hear from (and share with) fans of this movie is that its soundtrack is atrocious, a complete mismatch to the film. Don’t repeat this mistake: get a timeless score from Brian Tyler or David Arnold.

Casting? It’s not that difficult. Daniel Craig as Captain Etienne Navarre; Charlize Theron as Isabeau d’Anjou; and Shia LaBeouf as Phillipe Gaston.

Okay, there. I’ve done the hard part for you, Hollywood. Now go get to work. And try not to screw it up.

Liquid Plumr and Flomars

First: I had no idea that Liquid Plumr could “go bad.”

For two days my wife and I have been trying in vain to unclog the shower drain in our apartment. I had all but resigned myself to calling a plumber tomorrow when, as we were emptying the last dregs of the Liquid Plumr into the drain, thick clumps of semisolid white gunk oozed out of the bottle.

“That doesn’t look right,” I said to Kara. She agreed. Fortunately, we had recently purchased a new jug of Drano, so we tried that. Five minutes later, the drain was running perfectly.

I knew milk and orange juice and eggs had shelf lives. But drain clog remover? Learn something new every day.

Second: At my wife’s suggestion, we recently recorded on our DVR the movie Martian Child, starring John Cusack, Joan Cusack, Amanda Peet, and Oliver Platt. She sold me on watching this film by describing it to me as, “A science-fiction novelist adopts a boy who thinks he’s a Martian.” Definitely in my wheelhouse, sure.

So it turns out the sci-fi author in the film is named David. And he has a sweet elderly pet. And childhood memories of being treated like a weirdo by his peers. And having recently lost his beloved wife, he decides to follow through on their plan to adopt a child.

This movie wasn’t the greatest bit of cinema I’ve ever seen, but it felt as if it had been tailor-made to push my buttons and make me use up half a box of Kleenex. And now Kara and I are calling both of our cats “flomar,” which apparently is Martian for “warm, furry friend.”

There endeth today’s update.